12/28/09
I have been taking the lithium for a week now. It seems to be doing its job of stabilizing my mood. However it seems to have stabilized me in a down mood. I can’t seem to think anything happy, everything is so dreary. I’ve gone back t not eating. I sleep even less then I did before. Everything seems to take an extra effort lately.
I don’t know if it’s still because of Dawn is on my mind constantly or all these memories catching up to me. How the fuck did I make it this far? Why didn’t I just kill myself years ago, before I had kids? It’s hard, looking at them and telling tem that daddy’s going to be OK when I feel like I am lying to them. I try to reach out to Dawn, who is basically the only person I have ever really been close to, and am told, “You’ll be fine.” I don’t know what I actually expect from her, she’s moved on and found new things. I think I just want to hear that she cares.
I’m not going to hurt myself; I’m not going to kill myself. I have to keep saying that, I’m not sure if I’m reassuring myself or everyone else.
I'm going to stop taking the Lithium.
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Maybe Lithium is not right for you. Maybe though, this time of year would be REALLY bad of not for the chemical help. It's a tough time. It's all about families, it's dreary outside, etc. Be careful about messing with meds without talking to someone. Is there another choice?
ReplyDeleteI wish you could take killing yourself off the menu. Seriously. Just make it no longer an option. You DO have kids and you don't want to perpetuate the cycle of suicide in their family. Give them that. It's one of the boldest commitments you could make for their development.
Plus if death by choice is not an option, then finding inner peace in new and unexplored ways may get more of a chance to be discovered. Be bold, be brave, try radical new things in life if the old life is a constant source of despair. There's so much you could learn about the good shit out there. You've got a PHD in dealing with serious crap!
Good luck, friend.
Be Safe, Be Nice, Have Fun!
I agree with Sloan, take it off the menu...
ReplyDeleteYour girls adore you, I'm sure, and love you like no other. Daddies should always be there...you don't strike me as a selfish person