I have been taking the lithium for a week now. It seems to be doing its job of stabilizing my mood. However it seems to have stabilized me in a down mood. I can’t seem to think anything happy, everything is so dreary. I’ve gone back t not eating. I sleep even less then I did before. Everything seems to take an extra effort lately.
I don’t know if it’s still because of Dawn is on my mind constantly or all these memories catching up to me. How the fuck did I make it this far? Why didn’t I just kill myself years ago, before I had kids? It’s hard, looking at them and telling tem that daddy’s going to be OK when I feel like I am lying to them. I try to reach out to Dawn, who is basically the only person I have ever really been close to, and am told, “You’ll be fine.” I don’t know what I actually expect from her, she’s moved on and found new things. I think I just want to hear that she cares.
I’m not going to hurt myself; I’m not going to kill myself. I have to keep saying that, I’m not sure if I’m reassuring myself or everyone else.
I'm going to stop taking the Lithium.