I should be sleeping, but I'm weighted by thinking.

3 a.m.




I can’t sleep. This manic bullshit is for the birds. One week of being down, one week of being wide awake and energetic. I started drinking a beer or two before bed to relax a bit. That’s not really working. I need to find something to get the balance right. I’d almost rather be depressed; at least then I can sleep.

When I do sleep, I have weird vivid dreams. Most of them my father is in, just a picture of him in the background or standing silently in a corner. I never dreamt about him when he was alive, why now?

Being up all night has given me time to think. Last night I realized that I am destroying any chance of happiness I might have. Last year I started a blog telling my story. People liked it. I sold a couple entries in it to on-line magazines no one ever heard of, or will ever read. There was talk of a book. Some people showed interest. What do I do? I freak out and stop writing about my past. The blog morphs into a poorly written 16 year old goth girl drunken self pity journal. I finally got fed up with my own whining and deleted the whole thing. A few girls have shown interest in me, I stopped talking to them.

I’m still losing weight. I’m down to 146 from 220. I eat the same amount and exorcise the same. I should see a Dr, but honestly, I don’t think I care.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m going to make it. Sometimes I don’t think about it anymore. I just try to have fun with what I have, and live day to day.

Dreams never end.

Dream 1


I dreamt I was flying. I was flying over a desert .My arms were rotting and colored gray. Maggots were eating the dead flesh of my arms. A large green creature appeared next to me. It was shapeless. Every time I looked at it, it was something else. Its hands reached for me. I flew closer to it. It picked the maggots and flies off my arms and ate them. It flew away when the maggots were gone. My arms were still rotting away.



Dream 2

I was walking hand in hand with a friend of mine. I was wearing a dark suit, white shirt, loosened tie and sunglasses. I had a shotgun over my shoulder. She was wearing a yellow dress and sandals. We said nothing to each other. We walked through a field of dead weeds and living flowers. We walked for hours..

Your dreams are complete BULLSHIT!!

I’ve been in a really pissy mood lately, more cynical than usual. I’m just fed up with dating, romance, and love in general. Love is just a chemical reaction. There is no such thing as romance. It’s only lust. There is no “the one” no one is the one. Your dream girl/boy does not exist. No one is perfect for you. If you want love, go see a movie.




Last night I got drunk for the first time in six years. You know what happens when you mix alcohol and Lithium? You get really drunk, really fast. I turned off my laptop and phone, and just enjoyed it. I sat in silence and drank. I though about how my life had become a complete waste of time, and how I squandered away everything since last October, I basically sat around feeling sorry for myself for almost a year now.



Then I got angry. Really angry, at myself, the ex wife, the girl I dated for awhile. I hated all of us. I hated me for sinking so low and becoming a whiney little girl. I hated the ex for just being her I guess. I hated date girl because she didn’t have the decency to be honest with me when be stopped seeing each other. I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling great. I needed to be angry. I needed to realize that love is a lie.

Hardly getting over it.

Something is not letting me get over Dawn. I want to, I think. It’s almost been a year and I just can’t move on. I still love her and think of her constantly. For twelve and a half years she was at my side. Towards the end we both drifted away, one of us more than the other. She was my wife, my friend, everything to me. I let my stupid overly analytical brain get in the way and fucked it all up.


I dated one person for a bit, had a fling with someone else and even had a platonic boyfriend/girlfriend with someone just so neither one of us felt alone for a night. I have a lot of friends, who are women, and the attention is nice, but I’m still stuck thinking about her.

I know we’ll never be together again, so what the hell is the problem?



Maybe I just don’t want to get over her. Maybe I want the ghost of her love to follow me around forever.



And that just sucks.

Stop bitching about the weather. It's July, it's supposed to be hot.

Let’s clear up a few things.


I am not depressed from my last dating partner leaving. I’m bummed because she’s moving. Not depressed. She brought me into her family and made me feel comfortable. I will miss her because I liked talking to her and hanging out with her kids. I am still a little sad because of my divorce. 12 years is a long time to just get over with and move on.



The truth is I’m fine. I feel disconnected because that’s just who I am.



Let’s move on.



More things I’ve been called recently.



A placebo

Surrogate

Platonic boyfriend

Therapist

Distraction

Replacement

Loving

Caring

Warm

Nice



Basically I’m a mental prostitute. I’m cool with that.

Disconnected

Lately I have been wondering who I am what I’m doing, what is it I’m looking for? I feel disconnected from myself and others. My mind wanders in thousands of directions. It’s like I’m looking at a map with no roads, paths or geographical landmarks.


Today I had to run an errand for work. I wanted to keep driving and not ever go back. Just wander till I found whatever the hell it is I’m looking for.

I think I’ve spent too much time by myself. I need to find someone, someone to occupy my mind. That’s also a problem. When I’m talking to someone my mind drifts away to the point where I feel like neither one of us is even there. I hate that feeling.

The only girl I dated is moving far away. That makes me a little sad. I’ll never see her again. At least I can think someone for a short time loved me.

One more week in my life down.

I’m going on my third week of not seeing my kids. They are with their mom and her man on vacation. I miss them. They keep me grounded. Even if we don’t do much when they visit, I like just having them around me. This is the longest they have been away from me in years. They are getting older, and have birthdays and slumber parties sometimes on my weekends. Soon they might just decide they just don’t feel like it that weekend, and opt to stay home. I hope that’s never the case, but I’m realistic. There were time growing up when I didn’t want to go to dad’s. Honestly though, I don’t think it mattered to him anyway. Even when I would visit, he’d spend his time away so I’d be alone in his house in a strange place for the weekend.




This is my first weekend as a 100% single man. What am I doing to celebrate? Sit at home and watch TV. I don’t feel like going out much anymore these days. Not out of depression or anything, it’s just what’s the point? I can spend money going out by myself or I can save the money for gas or food.



I’m also looking for a new apartment, something cheaper, with better parking. I probably won’t be staying in Long Beach, a place I’ve called home for 8 years now. It’ll be weird leaving it, but shit, so much has changed for me the past year what’s one more?



Speaking of change, I was offered a transfer to Palmdale. I would be running the place, and receive a substantial raise. I was set to take it. Then a friend talked some sense into me. If I take the job, I would hardly ever see my kids anymore. The money would have been great, but ultimately my chicks need me more than I need the money.



Have a great weekend everyone.



James

Ridgecrest Report Part II

Things overheard and told to me in a Ridgecrest bar.




1. James, you are a good looking guy and could have any woman in this place. Why don’t you. (I rather liked this one.)

My reply. “I’d rather be alone right now.

2. I want to go home and get my crotched licked. Me too. That’s because I told you

how good it feels.

3. That nigger ain’t my president.

4. Don’t I know you? Yeah from Facebook.

5. They need to put up cameras to catch spies.

6. You don’t drink! You’re a pussy.

7. Last time you came over, you left shit in my toilet.

8. Lets go smoke some poo poo. What’s that? Hash.

9. They sell frog balls on 395.

10. You are a sexy bitch. Thanks, but you still need to pay for that drink.

11. Where is George with my weed?

12. I went outside to smoke and some Mexican said I’m hot.

Live from Ridgecrest! It's Saturday night!

I spent the weekend visiting friends and family in Ridgecrest. It was a very manic weekend. It stared out great and went downhill from there. I left Long Beach around 9:30. My first stop was Lancaster to buy a CD. I turned into the parking lot and found my self in the middle of a Tea Party Rally. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of them. In fact, other than being a white guy, we have nothing in common. One old man asked if I was there to support them and handed me a flag. I tried to be polite and declined. He called me a socialist. That’s when I made a huge mistake; I asked” What’s wrong with that?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, he yelled “Communist!” and walked away. I got back in my car and drove away.


I pulled into my grandma’s house around 11:30. The thermometer on the porch reads 105F. Shit, I’m used to my beach weather, foggy and hardly ever goes over 80. I talked to my cousin and his wife for a couple hours. Grandma is getting old and is very hard of hearing and senile. She asked me every ten minutes if I brought pictures of the girls.

After grandma’s, I stop at a bookstore a friend owns. Every time I’m in town I stop in and buy something. She is not there, but and old friend is. She says “You look familiar. Are you Robison?” If you can pronounce my last name correctly, you are a real friend. We talk for a bit and catch up. I give her my number and we promise to keep in touch.

Next stop, A’s house,(I wont be saying any names in this part.) A has a new baby I haven’t seen. The baby is adorable. A and her husband, B tell me that A’s sister, C and her man, D want to meet for dinner. They all know that I don’t eat meat. I ask where dinner is. They say McDonalds. They have to be kidding me right? NO, they are not. I have French fries and an Ice tea.

We go to C and D’s house and visit the new baby they have, adorable as well. B and D go home and stay with the kids and I take A and C out. We get to a bar; it’s really empty and quite. I like that. The music is low and there is a certain dive vibe going on. The later it gets A and C drink more, keeps her composure and acts pretty cool. A gets completely sloppy shitfaced, I tell the Bartender to cut her off. He pretty much ignores me. A keeps telling me she loves me. She’s drunk so I don’t listen.

After last call, it takes half an hour to get her in the car to go home. I drop C of at her place. At this point I’m starving. The only place open is Del Taco. Well a bean burrito is better than nothing I guess. After the drive thru, A keeps trying to kiss me. I tell her to knock it off. She sticks her hand up the leg of my shorts and grabs me. I pulled her hand out. I told her that she is married and that her husband is friend of mine. She sinks back in her seat for a minute. We are driving back to her place and she starts again. I yelled at her to knock the fuck off. She grabbed my steering wheel and yanked. My car slams into a curb, She starts again. If she wasn’t a friend I would have thrown her ass out. I have her get in the back seat. She starts taking of her shirt. I get in the drivers seat and drive her home. She is pissed.

I drag her into her house and point her in the direction of her room. I go to the guest room, locked the door and tried to sleep.

I got up the next morning and go to back to grandmas. I hang out with my cousin and grandma. That we sat on the porch swing and watch the silent fireworks in the distance.

I stop to meet my friend Amanda in Mojave for an impromptu visit. I haven’t seen her in years. That short visit was awesome.

I also have to give a special shout out to my very close friend Bonnie who kept me from going insane this entire weekend. Bonnie, if it wasn’t for your constant texting, I wouldn’t have made it though this weekend. I love you, thank you for keeping me sane.



Cheers,



James.

That joke wasn't funny

Last night another friend and I decided to play a joke on our friends. We told them all that we were now a couple. I immediately realized that it was a bad idea. All my friends started writing, texting and calling me with congratulations and best wishes. They were all so happy for me, I felt like a dick knowing that I was going to have to tell them it was a joke.


As for her, we talked and played up the couple thing with each other. Something popped in my head. I liked her. Much more then I have any right too. There is no possible way we could ever get together and be more then just friends.

She is pretty much the exact opposite of me, which is a good thing. So, today I will try to keep those thoughts out of my head.



Too my friends, sorry for the bad joke, next time it will be real.