My Bloody Valentine

Got a little sad this weekend, not because of Valentines Day and the fact that I’m newly single, that didn’t really bother me too much. Saturday night I was watching The Simpsons with my girls. The first episode that Dawn and I watched together came on. She was sick and lay in my lap wrapped up in a blanket with her head on my chest. I had my arms wrapped around her and watched the show while smelling her hair. I loved the smell of her hair. I loved the way it tickled my chin. She dozed off giving little contended sighs every now and then. I started thinking of that moment and how happy it made me feel. I started to think that right now she’s probably watching some show cuddling with her boyfriend. I asked Gracie to turn it off and change the DVD. She asked why so I told her. I’m honest with her about this whole thing. She pressed stop and kissed my cheek. We watched a few more episodes and went to bed.




Lithium update:

The Dr. increased my dosage. I told her that I don’t expect to be happy all the time, she asked me to try the new dosage just for awhile. Sure.



Writing update:

Three more rejection letters in the email today, I’ve come to expect them, even look forward to them, the positive aspects of negative thinking.

I’m thinking of doing some spoken word pieces; maybe have my friend play his guitar while I read. Any thoughts?

This ain't no picnic.

In movies the jilted lover always walks away wishing the other person good luck never to be seen or heard from again. That never happens. In reality, he moves into the first apartment he can find. He sits alone for a few weeks with no TV or internet service. His thoughts are all about her, what’s she doing, or more accurately, what are they doing? He stares at the blank walls or pictures of her and the kids knowing it will never be like that again. He thinks about what he should have done differently. He doesn’t eat. The only contact he has with the outside world is when he sits on the porch smoking. He goes back inside when all he see’s are happy couples walking hand in hand down the street.


He watches movies to keep his mind free of the thoughts of her. He dreads going to sleep because his mind races thinking about her. He turns the radio on so he can relax, but every song reminds him of her so he turns it off.

His thought turns to suicide. He can’t take anymore. He’s stuck in this shitty apartment with no furniture sleeping on the floor. He decides he doesn’t want to be alone so he adopts a cat. Something living is better then nothing at all. He starts to take walks around his new neighborhood. The happy couples don’t bother him as much as they did in the beginning. He see’s more weekend dads walking around with their own kids and starts to feel a little less alone. He starts a new hobby, writing. The internet finally gets turned on. The cable gets installed. He starts making new friends online. Some of which become friends in real life. He starts to think less and less of her. Sometimes he still gets sad or angry, but his friends pull him out of it. They greet him with open arms when he visits. He starts to feel wanted and liked again.

For the first time he starts to think about the future, the kids coming to visit, his friends he will see the places he will go. He starts going to a therapist. It feels good to let the problems and thoughts out. He starts thinking maybe this isn’t so bad. He starts thinking maybe I should start dating again. With the thought of suicide gone, he can’t help but feel hopeful about his own future. He has lost a lot of weight, quit smoking and started eating again. He’s still lonely, but it’s not as bad as before. He still thinks of her, but in a different way now. Not so much as his wife who left, but as someone he shares a special bond with that no matter what, will never be broken.

He starts smiling at girls he see’s on his walks through town or the beach. He asks someone out and is turned down and that doesn’t bother him at all. He wakes up with a smile every morning looking forward to the day to come. He starts to think that he is happy now, that the world is his and somewhere out there is that one special girl waiting just for him.

Every time.

Every time, every fucking time, I start to feel better and she says or does something to shatter it and the clouds come back. Today I get a text; it says this is her new phone number. It’s an Orange county number, the county her boyfriend lives in. He added her to his plan. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. I’m not going to Lie, it really fucking bothers me. I still want to smash his face in. I want to let him know that I will not accept him stealing my peacefully.

I won’t do anything of course. That would hurt her and I do not want to hurt her at all. I fucked up, I drove her away ands it’s all my fault anyway so I should just move on.

Fuck, why did I drive her away? Why did I push her to him? I am complete shit and deserve my pain. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. It’s all my own doing. I brought this on and can not blame her at all.

Every time.

Every time, every fucking time, I start to feel better and she says or does something to shatter it and the clouds come back. Today I get a text; it says this is her new phone number. It’s an Orange county number, the county her boyfriend lives in. He added her to his plan. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. I’m not going to Lie, it really fucking bothers me. I still want to smash his face in. I want to let him know that I will not accept him stealing my peacefully.

I won’t do anything of course. That would hurt her and I do not want to hurt her at all. I fucked up, I drove her away ands it’s all my fault anyway so I should just move on.

Fuck, why did I drive her away? Why did I push her to him? I am complete shit and deserve my pain. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. It’s all my own doing. I brought this on and can not blame her at all.

It Girl

Some hearts bleed. My heart sweats.

I got up in a great mood. The first three songs I heard put me over the edge, Brother Sport by Animal Collective, Teenage Riot by Sonic Youth and Swim by Surfer Blood. The drive in was nice, little traffic, XMU was playing good music and the sun was just coming up. I felt like it was reaching just for me. Yes, it was going to be a good day.




Going to be a good day, I get to work and am smacked with disciplinary action. It seems that a mistake was made a couple months ago that I didn’t catch. Oh well, people make mistakes, it’s human. Now I can kiss my raise goodbye. In spite of this, I will remain in a good mood. I am not going to let the bastards get me down.



I’ve decided once and for all that I am ready to start dating again. I’m tired of being by myself. I miss being with someone. I watched a movie last night and started thinking; I’m a moderately handsome guy, why am I sitting here alone. I like to think I have a lot to offer and am fun to be around, why am I sitting here alone? Someone somewhere has got to find a tattoed man with a big nose and glasses attractive right?



Because every woman I know is married. That’s why. I have a hard time approaching people, I always have. I’m shy; I’m going to have to overcome this.



Cheers,



James

now im crystallized. The start.

I recently discovered that it was almost impossible for me to stand up with out being attacked. It seemed everything I did pissed someone off. If I wrote what was on my mind, that made someone angry. If I wrote something happy, that would piss someone off. I write angry, again someone would get mad. It started to show up in my writing. Everything lately has been spiteful and anger filled. I didn’t like doing that, and I’m not proud of the last few things I posted. The people that were angry at me had every right to be. With that, I am sorry. It was not my intention to hurt, I was just telling my story.




I’m starting over again. This will be the blog of my new life. No dwelling on the past. No piss and vinegar. Just me. I am happy today, and no one can take that away from me.



Cheers,



James

I'm done
All i'm doing is pissing people off with this.