Friday, November 20, 2009

Scattered thoughts, or Please don't take me by the hand.

Woke up sad again this morning, that’s twice this week. Am I going backwards? I thought I was starting to get better. I guess not.

Molly II the cat is sick. I got out of bed and stepped in cat puke. Nothing starts the morning like warm, wet, smelly cat food between you toes. I had my coffee and sat for a minute and watched the news.

Before I left I grabbed a CD book to grab some music for the drive in. More cat vomit. I don’t know how she did it, but it was everywhere. I scrubbed it out grabbed a disc and split. I hope she’s ok.

I had a dream last night about this girl from my past. We sat on the bed and watched movies. We kissed each other and went to sleep. It’s strange, I’ve never thought this way about her before. I woke thinking that it was nice.

Am I really ready to start moving on? Is that what the dream was telling me? Do I just want someone next to me, or do I actually want another relationship? The truth is I’m scared to death about the whole thing. I’m scared to talk to anyone, scared to let my guard down. Scared to allow my self to go through it all over again. I’m scared I’ll just mess up a whole new relationship. Will there be someone out there that can take the fact that I’m basically a cynical bastard who uses sarcasm as a second language because after thirty six years I’m still a sacred thirteen year old when it comes to women.

Do I just say fuck it and be by myself for awhile and try and enjoy it?

I really don’t know what to do. Part of me says, yes be alone. Another part of me wants someone, anyone to notice me, take me by the hand and make me feel loved again.

So, I’ll go on each day living. If something happens something happens. I’m not going to try and force anything to happen. You can’t change the person you are and someone somewhere will like me just as I am.


  1. "The truth is I’m scared to death about the whole thing. I’m scared to talk to anyone, scared to let my guard down."

    In my professional opinion...your are doing a great job of practicing to "let your guard down" through your writing. Keep it up.

    Now on a friend note...time will heal...I know it sucks hearing that!

  2. This history is worth diving into. Recognizing who you are and why, why, why is so critical in becoming a person you like and trust and want to be around. If you like you, others will too and love will find its way without any coaxing...

  3. I, too, am faced with these complex questions and dilemmas when it comes to staying alone or getting up enough guts to keep trying...I have mixed feelings on a weekly basis, it seems. But, something inside me refuses to give up...