I don’t know if it’s working. I went to bed sad and woke up sadder. Sad is something I can understand. Something I can comprehend. The past two months I’ve felt happy and I couldn’t grasp it. It wasn’t me.
I can feel myself wasting away. I keep losing weight. I’m now down to 155. None of my clothes fit. Food doesn’t appeal to me. I live on coffee and cigarettes. I tried quitting, but I need to cling to something. I stopped looking for a girlfriend or friends for that matter. I have accepted the fact that I will sit in my apartment alone.
Everywhere I look I see happy families, happy couples and happy people. I want to be like that, I do. I yearn to be happy without the feeling hopelessness in the back of my mind. Do these people feel the emotional pain that I have everyday? How do they see all the sadness in the world and ignore it? Do they see this sadness at all?
Everything good that happens to me I fuck up somehow. People talk to me and I don’t know how to react. I take my time in responding and they think I’m an asshole. Some times I don’t know if it’s worth it. If I’m alive this time next year I want one thing. I want to be happy without the guilt.
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Dearest James, I very often have felt the way you do. In my darkest days I had the urge to just throw myself in front of oncoming cars if only to stop the mad sadness in my brain. There's not much I can offer from a distance except continued support and compassion, which I give you tenfold.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where you're at with drugs (legal ones, like Prozac) but for me they did help stop the intensity of my sadness so I could dig myself out a little. Honestly sometimes I want to go back on the happy pills they were so effective! I think are good temporarily, in tandem with counseling. Sorry if this sounds like a mom's advice, but your post wrenched my heart because I've been there. Many of us have.
But we love you James, even us your invisible friends in other countries :) A big hug from Colombia.....
C
PS, just read your post on lithium, I guess that answers my question about drugs! I have another bi-p friend and even with meds I think he still goes through a similar thing.
ReplyDeletethat I could caress your heart and lift the veil from your weepy mind...
I see the sadness because I used to live it. It doesn't seem like it will ever get better, but it does. You will be happy again...without guilt.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I wish sleep could destroy bad memories, sometimes dreams make them worse, maybe that's why some of us don't sleeo...what time is it anyway, crap 2am. Sleep does certainly help the body to heal though and prepare us mentally for the next day. I have been getting by on naps and wellbutrin...but that's another story *smile*
ReplyDeleteHey Jimmy Jam. You know the whole "looking around, seeing happy families" thing? Man, i'm tellin' you, this is, for the most part, all perception. It's a front. I used to feel the exact same way, but I've been learning that all those people are just as screwed up as I am. They're just good at smiling in public. I wish i was better at that, but it doesn't come very easy to me. Anyway, keep your head up man, you're a good dude. We'll see ya next time you're in the "Y". Late.
ReplyDelete