Monday, June 21, 2010

It'll be alight...

One thing I’ve learned about myself is I will survive. With two broken marriages, drunken abusive parents, homelessness, prison, drugs, depression and failure, I’ve survived it all. I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t want to be, but here I am. I’ve put up with a lot in my life. I like to tell myself it just makes me stronger that it builds my character. I’m fooling myself. Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the walk through the tunnel is so long. The light keeps moving further away with each step I take.

Sometimes I think is it even worth it? Of course it is, but where is my payoff? Where’s my prize? I have a lot of friends, I see them and they all seem so happy and well adjusted. How do they do it? How did they end up where they are? How can I do that? I’m scared a lot. I don’t know what’s coming next and it worries me. I’m scared to let myself get close to someone. I don’t want to be hurt. I just want to hold her hand. I want to feel normal whatever that is.

I’ve been carrying around my fathers suicide note with me since he died. It’s always in my backpack. I take my backpack everywhere I go. I can’t seem to get rid of the note. I read it often. I wonder why there isn’t a single mention of me in it.

Dawn said it perfectly to me a few days ago. I am the only thing stopping me from being happy." I don't know why I won't let myself be happy, but I just won't.

1 comment:

  1. Nobody is happy all of the time... But I have heard your laugh and felt your smile... I know it's in there.

    And since I have known you, you have helped me through some of my worst of times....

    I think it's not really all about how happy we can make ourselves, but how we are able to touch the lives of others.

    ....and I am thankful for the happiness that you have brought me.