My dream tells me to never meet you.

You invited me to visit for a few days.

Sure, this will be fun. We both know I have been crushing on you for awhile. I get on airplane and fly out the next day. I am excited, we have never met before. We meet at the airport, we hug and kiss. The cab ride to your house is quiet. We hold hands grinning at each other.

We walk in your house. You say you brought me here for a reason. There is a girl you know that’s perfect for me. She will be at this party tonight, and you want to go so I can meet her.

My crush high pops as I realize that I just spent all my extra money on a long distance blind date. I am bummed out, but fuck it, what am I going to do? We have dinner, I clean up and we head out.

It takes an hour to get to the party. You point out little interesting things in your city. I’m still bummed about you and me, but I am having a good time. You ask if anything is wrong. I tell you how I thought we were going to be together.  You say sorry, but it just would never work out between us.

We get to the party. Everyone is nice and friendly. They are surprised I flew out from LA this time of year. We go on like this for a half hour or so, fake small talk, pretending that you actually give a shit about each other knowing full well that you will never see each other again.

The girl that you want me to meet shows up, she’s cute. We chat for a few minutes. She says she will be right back. You look at me and say I told you so. Yeah, you were right, so far, so good.

The girl comes back and hands me a laptop. She says that she likes to get to know people online first, there is no pretention online, people feel less inhibited and are more likely to just be honest. I feel the same way. She goes to one side of the house and I go to the other. We chat for an hour or so.

People start leaving. She says she is staying there and that if I wanted to I could stay and hang out with her. You tell me to stay there.

Everyone leaves the party. The house is dark. I can’t find her. I find a note on a counter saying that it was nice to meet me, but she can’t go through with this and should probably just go home.

I see the light on in one room. I knock. Someone says come in. Two people are having sex. I say sorry and close the door. I have no idea where the hell I am. I try and find my phone. It’s sitting on your counter charging. I find a phone on the kitchen wall. I don’t remember your number.

I go to a bedroom and try to sleep. 

The hits keep coming.

In 2006 I lost my sense of smell. I was sick with the flu or something and it never returned. I went to a few doctors and was told I was making it up and that this could never happen. I finally found a doctor that believed me. He said it’s called Anosmia. It’s a sudden loss of the sense of smell. I can still taste food although things are a bit blander.

A few months ago I started getting these weird electrical wavy feeling shooting through my head. It felt like it was my brain would turn itself off and on again like it was resetting itself. I was taking anti-depressants at the time and figured it was a side affect. They got really bad. I stopped taking the drugs. The electric brain fades continued.

I started smelling things that weren’t there, garlic, onions, this sickingly sweet perfume. I asked my doctor about it, he suggested that I see a neurologist. I went today. He said I have the symptoms of either Parkinson’s, epilepsy or it could be a brain tumor.

My insurance does not pay for any of the test for these because of my age. Tomorrow I start the appeals process.

 In spite of this, I will remain upbeat and positive.

Wish me luck

Anticipation

Lately I have had this feeling of anticipation. Something is going to happen to me. I don't know if it's something good or bad, but something will happen. Things have been the same for far to long. This will change.

This is not a good day.

Things are fucked up, really fucked up right now. I’m getting unfairly evicted on false charges. I’ve don’t have the time or energy to fight them anymore. I don’t have the money to move out. It looks like I may be homeless for a few weeks.


I owed California $369 in taxes this year. I applied to make payments. I thought I applied to make payments. I checked the wrong box on the application. The state withdrew all the money at once. I made my car payment and rent payment at the same time. This resulted in every check I wrote going through with a $39 overdraft fee. Rent, phone, utilities, car payment, car insurance, child support, everything. I ended up $700 negative in my account. I’ve been able to crawl back up to negative $300, but I am stuck there perpetually negative $300.

I’m not asking for help, I’m not asking for pity. I got myself in this fucked up mess, and it’s my mess to clean up.

So, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, I’m in a fleabag motel or my car saving up the dough for an apartment.



Cheers,



James

Far away by my side

Saturday night I was lonely. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It wasn’t a sad type of lonely; more like I wish someone was here to enjoy this movie with me lonely. I don’t get that way too often. I’ve worked hard on being alone and happy. For the most part, I am enjoying my time alone. I can do whatever I want when I want and answerer to no one. I took my happy alone self to a movie yesterday. I’ve never done that before. It was a little strange at first, but in the end it was ok. I’m still wont eat at restaurants alone or go to concerts alone. I won’t be visiting any amusement parks by myself anytime soon, but I am getting used to being alone and comfortable.


For the most part, seeing couples still bums me out. I think to myself, I miss that. I don’t regret my decision not to date or see anybody. I don’t want to be with the wrong person just because I don’t want to be alone. I thought I was ready earlier to start dating again, but I was wrong. For now, I’ll be happy on my own with the people that I love far away and by my side.



Mental health note:

I’m starting to feel like me again. Stopping the Lithium was the right choice.

Did you forget to take your meds?

No, I stopped taking them. Before you give me any crap about it, remember that it’s my life, my body and I will do what I see fit. The Lithium helped get me through a really rough time, but that’s over now. I’m getting tired of pretty much being like this--------- all of the time. I’m either meh or down with a rare high moment. The side effects are starting to get to me. I can’t sleep because I’m up every hour to go to the bathroom. I always have cotton mouth. I lost any creativity I had. I lost all desire to do anything really.


That’s no way to live. I will accept my lows knowing that they will have their compliment of highs. The next few days are going to be weird as the medications wear off; I am going to be all emotional and erratic. I’ve done this before so I know what to expect.



I will be OK. Don’t give me any shit because of this please.

Things will never be the same.

I was either 6 or 7. I don’t really know. I remember we lived in San Pedro on 23rd street. The only places to play were the cemetery or a construction area across the street. We decided to go to the construction site. Earlier we had watched the workers throwing hunks of broken concrete into a dumpster. After they left for the day we thought we’d help out and throw the rest away for them. We started throwing the pieces away, neither one of us paying any attention to whose chunk went where. Glass shattered, we stopped. My friend ran away. I started to, but someone grabbed my by my collar.


This hysterical woman was yelling at me, calling me murderer and shaking the hell out of me. She dragged me to her house, and into a bedroom. In the room was a crib. A baby of a couple months was in the crib with a giant chunk of concrete on top of it. The baby wasn’t moving. Blood was splattered around the baby. “You killed him You fucker!” She kept shaking me. She took me to the living room and shoved me on a couch. I was crying, asking for my parents. “You’re not going anywhere but jail.”

The police, fire department and an ambulance showed up. The police asked me who I was with. I told them my friend’s name. The officer asked if I knew my phone number. I gave it to him. He picked me up and took me to his car. He told me my mom and dad will meet me at the police station, and to stop crying, it will all be ok.

My friend was at the police station when I got there. We went into different rooms and talked to different officers. They wanted to know how this happened. I told them. The police decided that there was know way of knowing whose piece of concrete went through the window. It was decided that we were too young to prosecute, and that it was just a terrible accident. The baby’s parents showed up. We both said we were sorry. The father seemed to accept the apology, but I have never before or after seen such intense hatred in someone’s eyes. The mom kneeled down in front of us, put one arm around each of us and said “Both of you will pay for this.”

My parents showed up. My dad said “Come on, it’s over lets go home.” My mom didn’t say a word. That night she came into my room. She sat on my bed and told me that I am going to hell for being a murderer. She said that she can’t love me anymore because I am a murderer. I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere my baby sister. No one in the neighbor hood would play with me. Nobody would talk to my parents anymore. At school, the kids would whisper and point at me.

After two months of this we moved. We didn’t have any money so we moved into a travel trailer that was parked near the harbor in a dirt lot. At night a group of Mexican guys would drink in the lot. We were scared. Mom said this is my fault, and that she will be forever punished by god for giving birth to a murderer.

I think about that baby a lot covered in broken glass, blood and concrete lying there still in that crib. I think of the mothers eyes burning through me. I think of the hatred in her eyes. I think of my mother’s hatred. I think of my father’s indifference. I think of the faces of those Mexican men peering into the trailer. I think that at that exact moment, I realized things will never be the same.

I should be sleeping, but I'm weighted by thinking.

3 a.m.




I can’t sleep. This manic bullshit is for the birds. One week of being down, one week of being wide awake and energetic. I started drinking a beer or two before bed to relax a bit. That’s not really working. I need to find something to get the balance right. I’d almost rather be depressed; at least then I can sleep.

When I do sleep, I have weird vivid dreams. Most of them my father is in, just a picture of him in the background or standing silently in a corner. I never dreamt about him when he was alive, why now?

Being up all night has given me time to think. Last night I realized that I am destroying any chance of happiness I might have. Last year I started a blog telling my story. People liked it. I sold a couple entries in it to on-line magazines no one ever heard of, or will ever read. There was talk of a book. Some people showed interest. What do I do? I freak out and stop writing about my past. The blog morphs into a poorly written 16 year old goth girl drunken self pity journal. I finally got fed up with my own whining and deleted the whole thing. A few girls have shown interest in me, I stopped talking to them.

I’m still losing weight. I’m down to 146 from 220. I eat the same amount and exorcise the same. I should see a Dr, but honestly, I don’t think I care.

Sometimes I don’t think I’m going to make it. Sometimes I don’t think about it anymore. I just try to have fun with what I have, and live day to day.

Dreams never end.

Dream 1


I dreamt I was flying. I was flying over a desert .My arms were rotting and colored gray. Maggots were eating the dead flesh of my arms. A large green creature appeared next to me. It was shapeless. Every time I looked at it, it was something else. Its hands reached for me. I flew closer to it. It picked the maggots and flies off my arms and ate them. It flew away when the maggots were gone. My arms were still rotting away.



Dream 2

I was walking hand in hand with a friend of mine. I was wearing a dark suit, white shirt, loosened tie and sunglasses. I had a shotgun over my shoulder. She was wearing a yellow dress and sandals. We said nothing to each other. We walked through a field of dead weeds and living flowers. We walked for hours..

Your dreams are complete BULLSHIT!!

I’ve been in a really pissy mood lately, more cynical than usual. I’m just fed up with dating, romance, and love in general. Love is just a chemical reaction. There is no such thing as romance. It’s only lust. There is no “the one” no one is the one. Your dream girl/boy does not exist. No one is perfect for you. If you want love, go see a movie.




Last night I got drunk for the first time in six years. You know what happens when you mix alcohol and Lithium? You get really drunk, really fast. I turned off my laptop and phone, and just enjoyed it. I sat in silence and drank. I though about how my life had become a complete waste of time, and how I squandered away everything since last October, I basically sat around feeling sorry for myself for almost a year now.



Then I got angry. Really angry, at myself, the ex wife, the girl I dated for awhile. I hated all of us. I hated me for sinking so low and becoming a whiney little girl. I hated the ex for just being her I guess. I hated date girl because she didn’t have the decency to be honest with me when be stopped seeing each other. I went to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling great. I needed to be angry. I needed to realize that love is a lie.

Hardly getting over it.

Something is not letting me get over Dawn. I want to, I think. It’s almost been a year and I just can’t move on. I still love her and think of her constantly. For twelve and a half years she was at my side. Towards the end we both drifted away, one of us more than the other. She was my wife, my friend, everything to me. I let my stupid overly analytical brain get in the way and fucked it all up.


I dated one person for a bit, had a fling with someone else and even had a platonic boyfriend/girlfriend with someone just so neither one of us felt alone for a night. I have a lot of friends, who are women, and the attention is nice, but I’m still stuck thinking about her.

I know we’ll never be together again, so what the hell is the problem?



Maybe I just don’t want to get over her. Maybe I want the ghost of her love to follow me around forever.



And that just sucks.

Stop bitching about the weather. It's July, it's supposed to be hot.

Let’s clear up a few things.


I am not depressed from my last dating partner leaving. I’m bummed because she’s moving. Not depressed. She brought me into her family and made me feel comfortable. I will miss her because I liked talking to her and hanging out with her kids. I am still a little sad because of my divorce. 12 years is a long time to just get over with and move on.



The truth is I’m fine. I feel disconnected because that’s just who I am.



Let’s move on.



More things I’ve been called recently.



A placebo

Surrogate

Platonic boyfriend

Therapist

Distraction

Replacement

Loving

Caring

Warm

Nice



Basically I’m a mental prostitute. I’m cool with that.

Disconnected

Lately I have been wondering who I am what I’m doing, what is it I’m looking for? I feel disconnected from myself and others. My mind wanders in thousands of directions. It’s like I’m looking at a map with no roads, paths or geographical landmarks.


Today I had to run an errand for work. I wanted to keep driving and not ever go back. Just wander till I found whatever the hell it is I’m looking for.

I think I’ve spent too much time by myself. I need to find someone, someone to occupy my mind. That’s also a problem. When I’m talking to someone my mind drifts away to the point where I feel like neither one of us is even there. I hate that feeling.

The only girl I dated is moving far away. That makes me a little sad. I’ll never see her again. At least I can think someone for a short time loved me.

One more week in my life down.

I’m going on my third week of not seeing my kids. They are with their mom and her man on vacation. I miss them. They keep me grounded. Even if we don’t do much when they visit, I like just having them around me. This is the longest they have been away from me in years. They are getting older, and have birthdays and slumber parties sometimes on my weekends. Soon they might just decide they just don’t feel like it that weekend, and opt to stay home. I hope that’s never the case, but I’m realistic. There were time growing up when I didn’t want to go to dad’s. Honestly though, I don’t think it mattered to him anyway. Even when I would visit, he’d spend his time away so I’d be alone in his house in a strange place for the weekend.




This is my first weekend as a 100% single man. What am I doing to celebrate? Sit at home and watch TV. I don’t feel like going out much anymore these days. Not out of depression or anything, it’s just what’s the point? I can spend money going out by myself or I can save the money for gas or food.



I’m also looking for a new apartment, something cheaper, with better parking. I probably won’t be staying in Long Beach, a place I’ve called home for 8 years now. It’ll be weird leaving it, but shit, so much has changed for me the past year what’s one more?



Speaking of change, I was offered a transfer to Palmdale. I would be running the place, and receive a substantial raise. I was set to take it. Then a friend talked some sense into me. If I take the job, I would hardly ever see my kids anymore. The money would have been great, but ultimately my chicks need me more than I need the money.



Have a great weekend everyone.



James

Ridgecrest Report Part II

Things overheard and told to me in a Ridgecrest bar.




1. James, you are a good looking guy and could have any woman in this place. Why don’t you. (I rather liked this one.)

My reply. “I’d rather be alone right now.

2. I want to go home and get my crotched licked. Me too. That’s because I told you

how good it feels.

3. That nigger ain’t my president.

4. Don’t I know you? Yeah from Facebook.

5. They need to put up cameras to catch spies.

6. You don’t drink! You’re a pussy.

7. Last time you came over, you left shit in my toilet.

8. Lets go smoke some poo poo. What’s that? Hash.

9. They sell frog balls on 395.

10. You are a sexy bitch. Thanks, but you still need to pay for that drink.

11. Where is George with my weed?

12. I went outside to smoke and some Mexican said I’m hot.

Live from Ridgecrest! It's Saturday night!

I spent the weekend visiting friends and family in Ridgecrest. It was a very manic weekend. It stared out great and went downhill from there. I left Long Beach around 9:30. My first stop was Lancaster to buy a CD. I turned into the parking lot and found my self in the middle of a Tea Party Rally. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of them. In fact, other than being a white guy, we have nothing in common. One old man asked if I was there to support them and handed me a flag. I tried to be polite and declined. He called me a socialist. That’s when I made a huge mistake; I asked” What’s wrong with that?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, he yelled “Communist!” and walked away. I got back in my car and drove away.


I pulled into my grandma’s house around 11:30. The thermometer on the porch reads 105F. Shit, I’m used to my beach weather, foggy and hardly ever goes over 80. I talked to my cousin and his wife for a couple hours. Grandma is getting old and is very hard of hearing and senile. She asked me every ten minutes if I brought pictures of the girls.

After grandma’s, I stop at a bookstore a friend owns. Every time I’m in town I stop in and buy something. She is not there, but and old friend is. She says “You look familiar. Are you Robison?” If you can pronounce my last name correctly, you are a real friend. We talk for a bit and catch up. I give her my number and we promise to keep in touch.

Next stop, A’s house,(I wont be saying any names in this part.) A has a new baby I haven’t seen. The baby is adorable. A and her husband, B tell me that A’s sister, C and her man, D want to meet for dinner. They all know that I don’t eat meat. I ask where dinner is. They say McDonalds. They have to be kidding me right? NO, they are not. I have French fries and an Ice tea.

We go to C and D’s house and visit the new baby they have, adorable as well. B and D go home and stay with the kids and I take A and C out. We get to a bar; it’s really empty and quite. I like that. The music is low and there is a certain dive vibe going on. The later it gets A and C drink more, keeps her composure and acts pretty cool. A gets completely sloppy shitfaced, I tell the Bartender to cut her off. He pretty much ignores me. A keeps telling me she loves me. She’s drunk so I don’t listen.

After last call, it takes half an hour to get her in the car to go home. I drop C of at her place. At this point I’m starving. The only place open is Del Taco. Well a bean burrito is better than nothing I guess. After the drive thru, A keeps trying to kiss me. I tell her to knock it off. She sticks her hand up the leg of my shorts and grabs me. I pulled her hand out. I told her that she is married and that her husband is friend of mine. She sinks back in her seat for a minute. We are driving back to her place and she starts again. I yelled at her to knock the fuck off. She grabbed my steering wheel and yanked. My car slams into a curb, She starts again. If she wasn’t a friend I would have thrown her ass out. I have her get in the back seat. She starts taking of her shirt. I get in the drivers seat and drive her home. She is pissed.

I drag her into her house and point her in the direction of her room. I go to the guest room, locked the door and tried to sleep.

I got up the next morning and go to back to grandmas. I hang out with my cousin and grandma. That we sat on the porch swing and watch the silent fireworks in the distance.

I stop to meet my friend Amanda in Mojave for an impromptu visit. I haven’t seen her in years. That short visit was awesome.

I also have to give a special shout out to my very close friend Bonnie who kept me from going insane this entire weekend. Bonnie, if it wasn’t for your constant texting, I wouldn’t have made it though this weekend. I love you, thank you for keeping me sane.



Cheers,



James.

That joke wasn't funny

Last night another friend and I decided to play a joke on our friends. We told them all that we were now a couple. I immediately realized that it was a bad idea. All my friends started writing, texting and calling me with congratulations and best wishes. They were all so happy for me, I felt like a dick knowing that I was going to have to tell them it was a joke.


As for her, we talked and played up the couple thing with each other. Something popped in my head. I liked her. Much more then I have any right too. There is no possible way we could ever get together and be more then just friends.

She is pretty much the exact opposite of me, which is a good thing. So, today I will try to keep those thoughts out of my head.



Too my friends, sorry for the bad joke, next time it will be real.

It wouldn't mean shit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed in the past nine months. I lost 70 pounds, become more active, going out, making friends and even dated someone for a short time. I talk more openly about myself. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. I’ve even come to terms with my past.


I still miss Dawn, I even still love her. The missing will subside, but I will always love her, she was a big part of my life and we will always have a special bond. It’s not romantic love that went away long ago.

I am learning to be alone. Sometimes I like it. Sure it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone, have someone to share my bed. That will happen eventually, but until then I will enjoy my single status.

I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but that’s getting better. I won’t apologize for myself. I’m moody, bi-polar and I still don’t like being in crowds of people I don’t know. That’s just me. I would apologize, but it wouldn’t mean shit.

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

Down with the bass.

My friend Debbie is down from Oregon visiting her family. She came over to my place last night for dinner.  After dinner she told me to pick up my bass and play something for her. I didn’t want to; I haven’t touched it in months. I finally did. It was cool. I played for till my fingers cramped up. It felt good. I’m slowly getting my life back to how it used to be.